There's a Battle in My Head...

There's a battle in my head that stops the words in my mouth before they dare escape. It renders me motionless, pulling my mind into a state of complete philosophical quandary. I start to see conflicting factors cast above me like stars, and the voices around me feed into this elaborate atmosphere. Meteors, constellations, and nebulous schools of thought begin to form, but none claim my focus as I probe for the answers to life... or at least, the answers to my life.

For a long time, I've considered games with meaning and an intellectual or educational purpose as the pinnacle of my design goals. I expected to be fighting an uphill battle, but I felt that the fight would be one that engaged many: strong, sharp minds sounding the call to war, weathered hands with experience and determination wielding the standard. What I forgot to expect was the vast array of problems that slow down any band of warriors: the volley of setbacks that snag the troops with budget restraints, communication breakdowns, and deadlines that force a loss in quality.

It's gotten me thinking about whether it is worth the scars. Would it be any easier to ignore the intense messages and clearly-defined educational goals of "serious" games? Would it make things simpler if I focused on creating games for people who already play them, love them, and will shell out their money for anything with strong reviews and a good ad campaign? Would I feel better if I allowed this conflicted battle to carry on around me without my input at all? It's not unreasonable to expect that someone is going to come up with an idea for me rather than with me, and that I will only find challenge in working within such constraints. Would it be best for me to cool my fires and settle to the task without question and concern?

Easier, simpler? Maybe. Better? Definitely not. It isn't in my heart to stand down, to stop pushing boundaries, to stop asking questions. I certainly don't expect to be able to devise the strategy for every revolutionary assault on game development, but I do expect to remain a messenger and a reporter in the fray. I see a lot of things, and they aren't often pretty or easy. My only hope is that the relay of such observations will not fall on deaf ears. I can see that I am in a good place to sound the warning, and while messages are often lost in the frantic swells of production, I think a watchful hand from above that knows how to use its many eyes and ears is really all I can ask for.

Long Day, Late Night

Well, I'm sitting in the Emergent Media Center and it's 1:30 AM. Don't worry, I'm not working overtime - I'm just using an incredibly quiet space to catch up on my academic life. A programmer sits across the table from me, doing the same. I could take this as a bad sign, but I am beyond contemplative right now. I have reached a point where there are decidedly too many things to do in a day...so I'm going to do them through the night for a bit as well. I'm confident that nothing is riding on me being awake right now, but it certainly is nice to have a moment to lay down some thoughts.

I was actually inspired to write by someone else. I would call this person a co-worker, colleague, and peer, but I'm not sure that he would view me on such equal footing. As projects are wrapping up for the semester, he approached me to ask what I thought of the situation, and we proceeded to spend the next hour talking about the projects we're working on together, his classes, how much he learns from other students, teachers he likes, teachers he's frustrated with, and the ability to capture my personality for use as a constant source of motivation. I never thought anyone would want a "Lauren in Pocket" as he called it, but it was rather touching to hear that I have had such a positive impact on another person's college experience. I've never viewed myself as particularly inspiring, but I suppose a kind ear goes a long way. With a spring in my step despite the late hour, I went on to shoot the professional breeze with the other young worker in the room for another half hour or so. Just one night of such conversation has left me pondering the immeasurable value of human connections.

If anything needs to be a part of my daily/weekly/monthly routine, it is finding time to talk to interesting people. It may feel highly unproductive at times, but it stirs up a sense of accomplishment that reaches beyond to-do lists and milestones. In this particular situation, it did turn into quite a valuable conversation, allowing me to tune into the flaws of production processes past and present as viewed from someone else's perspective. Next step: finding a way to accommodate those disparities. Maybe I like being a producer more than I realized.

Moral of the story: talk to people. Talk often, and on any subject that presses against the edges of your mind. You never know what will come of it, but it is guaranteed to make you feel better on a deeper level than any mild source of entertainment or leisurely recreation.