A Living Cycle

I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't blogged about this yet, but whew, UN orientation...some definite highs and lows, scary and otherwise. I'm excited about the group as a whole, though sad to see that all the familiar faces I've worked with before were drawn away from me. It's not that I don't like new groups by any means. It's simply that every new group has so many quirks, goals, ambitions, motivators, outside influences on behavior, and so on. I often love learning these nuances of people, perhaps as part of the human frequencies I wrote about before, but it is admittedly draining. After having taken all summer to finally crack the last few members of my Info Lit team, it feels like it may take just as long to do the same with this new group, although there are only about half as many students. I think as far as managing other people and driving them towards both productivity and enjoyment of their work, this summer's project has been the most taxing by far. But I feel like it's something I should be comfortable doing, which I am. That said, the school year promises to be one of my most challenging yet, I think.

Now that I've accidentally written part of an assignment for the project, I'll move on to something else that I've been contemplating: the role of women in video games. It's easy to say that they're unrealistic, made to be either objects of male possession or quippy, foxy heroines. Much the same level of fantasy is achieved in most male roles in video games as well. But what about the women that have no names and well-defined parts in games? How often do they come up? How many shooting games have females thrown into the NPC (non-player character) population? Does it change the way you play if there are any?

Most instances of female filler characters I can think of are civilians: random women walking down the street in the Grand Theft Auto series, women carrying pots on their heads in Assassin's Creed. Sometimes there are entire throngs of women without any men, as in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time's Gerudo Valley. But how often do we really see men and women stacked up against the hero of a game? Why is it that nothing springs to my mind?

There may be several reasons for this, one being that I do not play the plethora of games that other kids my age do. Another reason may be that if you're only going to make one model with slight variations to populate a game, males are to be expected and are also easier to model. That aside, I'm now quite curious to know whether or not making a more balanced population in games, let alone one that might accurately represent the 60-40 distribution of women vs. men on this planet, would have any impact on the players. Would the players even notice? Would they have the sense of something being different without being able to place their fingers on it? Would they pick up on it right away? Would they treat the women computer characters any differently than the male counterparts? Too many questions, no way to study them at this point in time.

This whole idea is just one that I'm not sure has been taken into consideration yet for this project. Yes, video games are popular among young men. But the role of women in these games is often one of low or disrespectful status. As in society, is that what the target demographic will expect in any video game? Is that going to be a difficult hurdle to overcome? My answer is yes, but I also see many ways in which it could be done. The most prevalent in my mind at the moment is only half baked, but I have this overwhelming feeling that if we want to convince these boys that things are not as nice the way they are as they might believe, we must first present them with what they expect to see in a game, and then turn it completely on its head, in steps that are gradual enough that they would not confuse the player or make them lose interest.

Just some things kicking around my head on this first weekend after our commencement of the project. Developing this strategy any further, or developing any strategy for design at all, is still far in the future. However, I cannot stop these thoughts from being a dominant part of my mindset when going into the research. Hopefully that will prove to be a good thing.

Family Born Anew

I barely know where to begin. This week has been a whirlwind of good news. First, I found out that I would be working on the UN project and going to Africa. Then, I found out that a few other people I really wanted to work with would be joining the project (though I still have my fingers crossed on a few I haven't heard from yet). And just today, I received word from family I haven't heard from in over 10 years. This is possibly the best week I've had in a decade.

I wrote to them upon reflecting on all of the wonderful things that have happened in the past year. I truly feel like I've come into my own over the course of the last two semesters, and because I have thought about them so often, I felt that I had no reason not to write anymore. I'm not a kid anymore, it wasn't someone else's job to do this. Even if it were, my desire was too great to wait on someone else. And what a wonderful result!

Part of me wants to jump on a plane and go visit. Part of me wanted to jump onto the phone with them, but I settled for jumping onto the phone with my mom. As relieved as I was to hear from my family to begin with, I was just as relieved to hear that my mom held no resentment against them and had not intentionally cut off communication. I was sorry to bring her to tears, but glad that they were tears of joy. This has been such a special moment. I really can't find words for it. I wanted to write, but I want to write to them even more. So, I'll leave it at the fact that if I seem happy over the next few days or weeks, I have a myriad of reasons to be excited, this being the most heartwarming of all.

Human Frequency

Well, I have to start by saying this; whoever told Ann about my blog, thanks! It was really great to read her last entry - it always surprises me how much faith she puts in our generation. I also need to thank Marie this morning. It has become clear to me in the past week that she is truly one of the strongest forces that makes Champlain feel like home, outside of my EMC family at least. The idea of losing me once and for all, which has of course been inevitable from the beginning, seemed to bring her to tears yesterday, and I came into the library this morning to find that she'd bought me a "bon voyage" present - an adorable Vera Bradley cosmetics bag and a wallet too! I only hope I can find something wonderful to bring back to her from my trip in return. Sometimes she just makes me feel like I have my own Burlington grandmother watching out for me, and it's so heartening to realize that someone I didn't know a few years ago could grow such a sense of pride and warmth in knowing me.

That said, there's something else on my mind that's been giving me seemingly unlimited energy lately. The realization came in part from something that happened on Monday. A little over a week before, I had applied for a passport. I was nervous that I wouldn't get it by August, and had no idea if I would even need it then. On that Monday, I was officially accepted to the UN project, and when I left work to check my mail, I found my passport waiting for me. I never expected both of those events to happen on the same day, and they felt somewhat perfect because they had.

I think to a certain extent, when two people come together, there is a similar chance for things to feel perfect, and I think it has a lot to do with each person's mentality and the atmosphere they create with their attitude. If you meet someone for the first time and you find yourselves in the same mindset, it feels like the chance for a great connection. If you continue to operate on the same wavelength over the course of time, you start to wonder how you never noticed the person or got along without them. And at that point, even if your brainwaves wander away from each other, it feels like the bond can never be broken, as long as both people are still affected by the feeling that a genuine link exists.

Beautiful friendships can blossom out of such feelings, but they don't always make it that far. Sometimes the feeling exists even when the opportunity to develop friendship is suspended, creating an even stranger sense that you've been thrown into a compelling state of interest and investment in someone you barely know. Sometimes the feeling swells for a moment and then dies away, leaving only a small sense of appreciation for someone else amid an otherwise perpetual state of tolerance or distanced behavior. And sometimes the feeling is offset by a distinct awareness of status-imbalance between the two people; I have yet to decide whether or not this makes the feeling weaker or...not stronger, but better.

There are most certainly a few people that have led me to this conclusion, but the thought extends up to a higher level as well. It has become my experience that some people shift their "human frequency" quite a bit, while others stay put on their one wavelength, cruising through life in a fixed state and only enjoying the company of those who conform to them or find themselves in the same static mentality. Is this the difference between extroverts and introverts? In years past, I had a distinct personality that was offered to everyone in the same form, taken or left for what it was. As I take on more projects, work with more people, do more things with my life in general, I think I've developed a more faceted personality. I know what parts of me have been tied to other people, and I know which parts of my nature would never show their face during certain experiences. I'm not a social butterfly, but I'd feel safe identifying with the social chameleon.

I think this is why I don't usually enjoy groups of people. One on one, you can be anything that the other person enjoys, values, or needs. With a sea of people, it feels good to just be yourself in the moment. But give me a handful of people, no less than 5 and no more than 50, and I'll try to empathize with each person until my brain can't handle it anymore.

Just something interesting that I've been dwelling on. I don't have any answer to what this means about people, I just see it as something that heavily influences human interaction, and I'm glad that I've learned to leap out of the one-wavelength rut and tune in to the people around me.

Thoughts on a Year

This is rather belated, but I can't help thinking about everything that's happened in this past year, emotionally and mentally. In some ways, it was a terrible year. I started getting scared of graduation. I questioned what I was going to do with my life. I was worked to my breaking point. I had my heart broken. Three times in a row. And my cat died. But looking at the other side of the coin...WOW!

I mean really, let's sum things up. Last summer, I first started working with Ann and the EMC as an RA for GIVIT. As the school year started, the promise of jobs with the EMC emerged. I applied and was told that I was desperately wanted for the Info Lit project (all because of my love for librarians over the previous two years), and I was offered the chance to go to Learning 2007 in Orlando. A week or so after getting back from Florida, I got to go to the CIMIT Innovation Congress in Boston. Just after that, I participated in a summit for the local aquarium, ECHO. I continued to work on the Info Lit project throughout, and also began work at the end of my fall semester on the Game Tomorrow project with IBM Fellow John Cohn. Somewhere in there, I also attended a dinner for BYOBiz kids to present their work to the college trustees.

Second semester shot off like a rocket, with the Info Lit project turning over completely (and my concept getting the thumbs up to move forward), work on the IBM project grinding along, and preparations for the trip to MPI's Meet Different conference in Houston. IBM concluded in the weeks following the Texas trip, and EMC work-study time started to feel like a vacation for a few months. I was interviewed twice, with accompanying photo-shoots, and participated in a mini-challenge with my peers to apply for a Team Excellence award given out by the college. We still haven't used our gift certificate for that!

I can't remember much of anything else happening in the month of March, but the school year definitely closed beautifully. I received three awards, including the Team Excellence Award, at the annual CCM Division Academic Excellence Dinner. The other two awards were an award in undergraduate Game Design and an EMC Interstellar Award, complete with photo album and laser-cut wooden plaque. If anything could have made me cry, that was it. And if anything could have made me squeal with delight, it was the trip that started the day finals ended. Wes and I went to another conference in Orlando, where we got to "relax" and simply take part in the discussions going on. We still made an impression, I think, as to what Champlain College students can do, and then we actually got to spend a day in Epcot. I restrained myself from completely raiding the Japan store, but we closed the night off with a dinner in the Japanese restaurant, watching musically synchronized fireworks over the water. Just perfect.

The year came full circle with another round of GIVIT this past June, during which I also gave my first speech! As part of the 50 years on the Hill celebration of Champlain, I attended a dinner with 150 trustees, honorary trustees, alumni from Champlain's first year on the hill, and other honored guests. I spoke about at least a few of the things I've done, and it felt great to sing Ann's praises for once to people who should really hear it. I also got to announce a few things to come. Learning 2008 is just around the corner, as is the next CIMIT Innovation Congress; but the best and brightest news for me is that I'll be lead designer on a team funded by the UN to create a game addressing violence against women in South Africa. Again...WOW.

My fingers are crossed to have a good team right now - I've never had my stomach do so many flips on account of someone else's uncertain position on a project. Once the teams are settled, I'm sure time will start to fly by again. We'll be coming back from South Africa just in time for the year to start. I'll be starting up other work as a peer advisor and a Japanese Writing Lab assistant, and I'm already bubbling with anticipation for my senior project with Wes. He's already got concept art in Maya that looks better than anything I would have hoped for...cuz he's that good. =)

I guess the thing that's been sitting in my mind a lot lately is the fact that my life is just getting started, and it rocks. I used to think about the distant future and hope it would rush towards me without hesitation. But lately, I want to slow time down as much as possible and enjoy every hectic, unexpected moment of my year, week, and day. Life after college is still pretty scary, but only because life in college is turning out to be so amazing.