Ho Hum

Another work week off to a slow start, and it's already half over!

I feel like I accomplished quite a bit today. Read a 60 page design document, gave my Info Lit team members an assignment to complete by the end of the week, and started a massive art asset list. Unpacked 283 books, took pictures of 75 or so, and started processing around 50. Attempted to diffuse a concern one of my team members has about another team member. Still at work until 10 doing the processing bit. This is my break for the day; when I go home, I only plan on reading a little before I succumb to the blankets.

I haven't been feeling very philosophical lately, but one thing that has begun to stick with me is a strange sense of comfort when I'm around other people, with little matter who they are. I've always imagined the people I know as having rope twined into my heart; those that know me better have thick ropes that twist deep to hold tight, while some ropes have been chopped off completely, leaving behind only the stump of a past friendship. Lately, I feel as if so many forces are anchored to me that I've somehow begun to lie suspended between all of them in a happy social stasis.

On the opposite side, one thing that seems to bring my feet back to the ground is the idea of a meaningless moment. With so many parts of my life feeling right and purposeful, those that I spend doing something mindless are painful; worst of all are the moments when I can't muster the brainpower to think of something good to do. It feels something like clawing at the sides of a deep hole and making the hole even more difficult to get out of in the process. Fortunately, those moments don't strike too often.

And on a completely random note unrelated to any of this, I miss listening to music. I used to exercise my creativity by listening to my music collection on random and adding the songs to playlists that were named as imaginitively and elaborately as possible; things like "Looking Up at Skyscrapers with Neon Signs at Sunset" or "Rowing a Boat Past Grassy Hills on a Painfully Bright Day." I rarely got more than one song onto a playlist, but it was absolutely delightful to me to be able to look at one of those descriptions at a later time and feel that exact feeling again on cue. Memories tied to music are powerful in a way that I don't understand, but it never stops me from completely adoring it and allowing it to carry me away.

Long, Long Weekend

I was really looking forward to this weekend when it started, but I have to say that I don't feel like I've done very much with it. I did some Photoshop that went nowhere on Friday night, and Saturday was full of reading, writing, and Ratatouille. Last night was probably the most eventful portion of my weekend - a kid I went to high school with was turning 21 and came up here to celebrate with his older brother. A friend of mine was planning on going out with them and brought me along, which turned out to be a blessing for the birthday boy, who was not at all inclined to get drunk. After a few bars, with two vs. two on what to do next, it was easier to argue for heading home for the rest of the celebration.

Speaking of birthdays, I also just realized that it's been a month since mine. I can't say that I feel like I've accomplished a ton, but I think I've done enough. I've definitely gotten the time back to explore random ideas, which is probably the best feeling in the world to me. There's a good possibility that if I don't get sucked into a computer game today (I reeeeaaally want to finish Myst IV), I'll be fleshing out the latest spontaneous concept: Oregano Trail. =P

Keep Moving Forward

It's only Thursday, and I feel as if the week has already run itself dry. I missed a meeting about an event I'm not sure I have the time or sanity to attend anymore, and I have a huge team meeting tomorrow during which I've no idea what will happen. I didn't even get as much done at the library as I expected to, and I have to head downtown around 4 tomorrow to cash a check and take my boyfriend out to dinner. Sigh.

But I've just finished watching Meet the Robinsons, and I loved that a motto in the movie, "Keep Moving Forward," was taken from a longer quote by Walt Disney:

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. We're always exploring and experimenting."

I love this quote because it could apply to virtually any situation in life, at least in the sense that it is an ideal to strive for and a great philosophy to stand by. Oddly, I also have the song from the ending credits of Prince Caspian, a new Disney spin on an classic British novel, stuck in my head. I looked at some of the lyrics, and these are the ones that stood out to me the most:

"Just because everything's changing
doesn't mean it's never
been this way before.

All you can do is try to know
who your friends are
as you head off to the war."

It's strange that everything lately seems to come back to other people in my mind. Every once in a while, I get a great idea that excites me to the core of my existence. But that kind of feeling never lasts as long as the ones that are encouraged and cherished by others too. In light of this, I've just made my first addition to the photo album that Ann gave me with the EMC award.
I was opening my desk drawer and sorting through the knick-knacks to pick up my motivational monster when I noticed something else that didn't mean much at the time that I got it, but that nevertheless showed thought on someone's part. Just now, however, it sparked a greater feeling that someone out there believes in me. Whether this is true or not, it warmed me a little inside, and I immediately set about placing it in my book, next to the last picture and below the words "Follow Your Dream." Whatever my dream is, it is fueled by those around me. I hope that as time goes by, I will gather more mementos to fill that page.

Lazy-ish Week

I've been sleeping in until 8:30 or 9 for the past few days, and it feels sooooo good. I feel a little bit guilty about doing it, but I just don't have the motivation to get up bright and early in the morning to do a job that a trained monkey could probably handle, as long as it wasn't as technologically savvy and therefore utterly frustrated as I am by the amount of paper filing I have to do. I don't mind the days when I can sweep through my boss's office and make her feel like half the problems in her world have disappeared, but when I get bogged down with a grueling, menial task like cutting up slips of paper and stapling them onto index cards while writing the purchasing year on the corner and paper-clipping them if they were requested by faculty before alphabetizing them and indexing them for four hours...you get the idea. I don't like it.

Sadly, I think tasks like this suck the creative juices out of me, too. I really wish I had pushed to get two paid positions at the EMC this summer. Whether the pay would be better or worse, the effects on my mental state would have been worth it. As it stands right now, I have such a strong desire to sit down and literally do nothing to take away the feeling of having done so much that means nothing over the course of the day. This is all coming out of a week in which I've spent only 4 hours on a creative project and the rest on lists and books, so perhaps even getting back into my regular routine will feel better next week. Plus a three day weekend! Woo-hoo!

An Unfortunate Morning

Well, I've just slept through my alarm and missed my morning shift at the library. It was apparently terrible timing, too, as a lot of work just cropped up for me to do by the end of the month. My roommate seemed irate that I probably left my alarm ringing for who knows how long, and I just noticed that one of my toenails is completely detached at the base. Not the best way to kick off the week, I have to admit.

I completely forgot about my assignment from Amanda yesterday, but I was able to play through some great little games by Amanita Design that may inspire the play style for my senior project. I was glad to see that Wes sounded as excited about it as I am - sometimes I feel bad about thinking work thoughts on the weekend, but not when they're making me giddy. =P In addition to those game ideas, I may have one for my Advanced Seminar in Game Design next semester. Once I remember where I packed an old notebook, I should have a good, or at least quirky, premise to work with. It's actually based on a conceptual animation I half-created my sophomore year for an advanced Flash class. Looking at what I did do, I really want to remake/finish the animation. I continue to hold to the fact that I'm not an artist, but I love that animation more than I should already. =)

Although I'm not in to work this morning because of my marvelous sleeping capabilities, my day still promises to be busy. A producers' meeting at 11, lunch, Info Lit team meeting at 1, work on that project until 5, dinner, and possibly work in the library basement 6 to 8:30. Gross!

A Language Tangent and a Subscriptions Budget

The weekend is off to a slow but steady start. Last night, I watched an Ang Lee movie entitled Lust, Caution. Everyone I know says that Chinese would be too difficult to learn or too hard to speak or that it's just plain ugly compared to similar Asian languages, especially when sung, but after watching the film, I think I disagree. In all fairness, the lead actress had a relatively soft and low voice, but her speech and singing alike were beautiful to me. It was interesting to see a portrayal of a Japanese tea house in one of the scenes, because I have often been impressed with the idea that Japanese culture is so much more graceful and peaceful - here, it was quite the opposite.

It was also strange to realize what few parts of the Chinese language are still drifting around in my head: wo (I/me), ni (you), ta (he/she, distinguished by the written character but pronounced the same), men (pluralizing suffix), shi (verb to be), bu (negative), ma (question), and of all things, gege (older brother) and didi (younger brother). I don't even have any brothers, so I've no idea why those stuck. There's also xiexie (Thank you), ni hao (Hello), and zaijian (Goodbye) for actual phrases, as well as meiguo (America) and zhongguo (China).

From every language I've been exposed to, there's one sentence or phrase that I keep in my head. For French: Je ne comprends pas. Parlez-vous anglais? (I don't understand. Do you speak English?) For Spanish: Hola. Como te llamas? (Hi. What's your name?) For Japanese: Ima, nanji desu ka? (What time is it right now?) For Latin: Semper ubi sub ubi (Gibberish that sounds like you're saying "Always wear underwear" when translated aloud). For German: Volkswagon (No translation needed, but they just say it funny). For Russian: da (yes). And Chinese: Wo shi meiguo ren. Ni shi bu shi zhongguo ren? (I'm American. Are you Chinese?) I'm not sure why these sentences have been tucked into my mind. Logically, they should all have to do with asking for help or getting the other person to speak my language in one way or another, but clearly it hasn't worked out that way. Some are from languages I never formally studied. Some are from encounters from people living in the culture from which the language comes. All have strong memories, both good and bad.

Today, I have been at work since the relative start of my day. I've spent the majority of my time attempting to come up with scenarios for Amanda's game. It's harder than you'd think to come up with situations for teens to ponder that would expose them to cultural or class differences without delving too far into morals. In essence, it is hard to create questions that do not have one right answer, at least on the count of 100. I will nevertheless persevere, because I am honored that Amanda asked me, and more so with each day. She truly is an admirable game developer, if only she would show it more often. I saw her yesterday with the board game Trouble tucked under her arm. Today, she told me that she had taken out the cardboard bottom to the game and redesigned it to be a game about oil use and how it effects the world. She's going to get it printed on cardboard soon, and I hope to see it when she's done. I'd never think to do something like that. I hope I'll be that smart in another 10-20 years.

The rest of the day will most likely be devoted to games and movies - ha! I hope to sneak in some reading outside before the clouds and dusk chase the sun away, but if I don't, I have a game that Amanda gave me for inspiration sitting on the desk beside me, I still need to finish playing the Myst series, and I just signed up for a Netflix account so I won't keep buying movies that I don't particularly want to see again. There's apparently an option to instantly watch movies on your computer in addition to those you receive in the mail: that's my kind of plan. I suspect this subscription, along with my music and video game ones, will take up my recreational budget for the summer. Fortunately, I should have a beta to try out in a month rather than paying for an MMO on top of this. Assuming no one drags me downtown for food too often, I think I have a solid basis for enjoying my months off from school to the fullest.

From Work to Warhammer, Wii, and The World...

I've been too tired to blog lately. It's a bit sad. Despite the fact that I only had to work one night this week, I feel as if my evenings have been remarkably full. Considering none of the nightly events were the same, I view this in a good light. However, I hope to get in some more time for thinking. Perhaps it will become a function of the weekend.

The project I've been working on is an interesting one. It's funny, but I feel as if being in charge of a group of people makes you realize where your own interests truly lie. Going into this project, I was ready to facilitate a massive brainstorming symphony for a few weeks before deciding on a game plan and moving ahead. I've loved collaboration in the past, and I figured that adding more people to the process would only make it better. This theory may still hold to be true, but it seems not to be the case with the individuals I've got my hands on. As long as they consult with each other in small groups, I'm relatively accepting of the situation, but even that has fallen to bits. I feel as if I've said this before, and it's very likely that I have.

The new development is that I have a designer on my team who is struggling terribly with the entire process. He lacks the communications skills to effectively offer criticism or make a point without attacking or insulting others, and he is incapable of expressing his own ideas in a succinct fashion that allows others to provide feedback. Whether out of frustration or as a normal mechanism, he has taken to asking me lists of questions regarding clarification of either the design of the project or the structure of the design document. Were I the lead designer on the project, I would gladly oblige and do my best to guide him. Given that I am a producer, and perhaps creative director at best, feelings have welled up within me geared towards distancing myself from the whole documentation process.

I feel more and more as if I would like to be a conceptual designer, if anything. I enjoy the bouncing around of ideas far too much, and the writing of elaborate stories and the minutia of mechanics nowhere near enough. Second to this desire is one to code. I'm coming out and saying it. As much as I love game concepts, I feel that anyone can have a steady hand in it if they can communicate properly. I would much rather have my hands in the network that runs it, if only I were better educated for it. Perhaps in the years to come, I'll manage to get that education somehow.

The moral of the story is that I'm still finding my place in the world, as I should be, and that I hope it does not come at the sacrifice of my team's cohesion and my love for cultivating ideas.

On an unrelated note, I've started measuring my laughter count for the week in bruises. It's becoming habit for me to be violently tickled into giggling fits, and I've rarely escaped without banging some part of my body against something unpleasantly hard, or simply suffering bruises from the intense act of tickling. The aftereffects are certainly unhealthy, but the remembrance of such a pure, spontaneous sound of joy is one that continues to warm my heart through the day. It's a good feeling to be forced to laugh when you'd rather sulk, though I enjoy the everyday laughter that fills my life voluntarily as well.

Continuing the chain of tangents, I've become re-excited about Warhammer Online, thanks to Wes and Mike. I don't foresee myself ever getting into an MMO hardcore, but the potential for group play and experimentation with a new system is appealing to me to an extent that few games have been able to entice me recently. Next on my rental list is Opoona, a Wii game that looks mildly unique, and The World Ends with You, a DS game inspired by modern Japanese culture. If anyone has any better suggestions, chime in!

Fresh Food, Stones of Death, and Souls Swept in Ice

This weekend has been quite a lazy one - I think I needed it. I ran down to the first day of the farmers' market yesterday around noon and quickly looked over the goods out for sale. The selection wasn't fantastic, but I have yet to successfully get away from any trip into the market without bread and cheese. This time it was some old fashioned white bread, which was enjoyably thick and almost fruity, and a round of goat's cheese, salty and smooth. Walking back home with my purchases, I ran into Mr. Wallace eating lunch with Dean Rutenbeck. I chatted briefly with them for a moment, which left me feeling pretty great. There aren't many people that can say the dean of their division of the college knows their name and has a good enough understanding of what they're doing to inquire and comment.

Despite the pleasure I felt in that conversation, my energy dwindled over the day. My dorm was filled with talk of Lord of the Rings Online and D&D, neither of which I am involved with by any means. I don't begrudge the people who play them, but when it's all you hear out of their mouths half of the time, it gets old fast. Desiring space to myself, I sat out in the sun and read a bit. Unfortunately, it only made me sleepy. Dinner rolled around and some thought-provoking conversation followed, but D&D became the dorm focus for the evening, as far as my acquaintances were concerned. When I attempted to find solace in my room, all I found was a roommate passed out on the bed by the door. After another hour or two of reading off of my computer, I ventured out into the night.

I have found it safe to say that if I seek a place to let my soul breathe, I will undoubtedly be lying in a graveyard. This isn't meant to be a morbid comment. There's a decent sized graveyard on North Willard Street that I've walked to a few times in the night hours. It's probably creepy to admit as much, but I adore the place. There are so few spots left in the world that possess such a powerful aura of solitude and the steady passage of time. I read the names when I can catch a glimpse, but the bright orange lights around the place often make it difficult to see anything other than silhouettes. Usually when I visit this graveyard, I stick to the path, wandering a bit up the dirt road to the top of the hill and sitting on a staircase that overlooks the road from a steep angle. This time, I ventured from the path a bit towards a clump of trees, hoping it would shade me from the glaring lights. As I got closer, they appeared to be in a circle around a lone, tall grave. The trees did not provide enough protection, but I was able to lie down next to the grave and hide in its slim shadow.

From where I lay with my face looking up at the sky, I could see a few twinkling stars framed by the branches of the three nearest trees. They were relatively faint, but I felt like I'd found a small bit of home. Back in New Hampshire, I've gotten into the habit of running outside whenever anyone calls my phone - the reception is terrible, but it's not too bad if I cross the road and get up on top of the hill by the graveyard there. I hadn't even thought about the fact that there's a graveyard there as well until just now. Usually, I lay down on the big hill and stare up at the sky until I get too cold to stay any longer. For some odd reason, people usually call me for long conversations at night.

I've always loved the feeling of immensity that looking at stars gives me. It's a feeling that few objects on Earth can generate, the exception being an ocean of tall buildings. The love I have for this feeling is something of a melancholy, though - I wish to be part of that immense idea that defines the universe, yet the wish feels utterly impossible. I was contemplating this emotion last night when it began to look as if the stars were shaking. It was the strangest sensation, until I realized that I'd been lying on my hands and my pulse had simply started to rock my head ever so slightly. I think that's the closest I've ever come to feeling connected to a greater power in the world. Second on the list is torrential downpours. I could use one of those, too.

As for today, I finally finished the book I got for my birthday. Now I can wholeheartedly say thanks, Wes! I haven't often read nonfiction for pleasure before, but the subject matter was both compelling and eye-opening. The story of the Inukjaumiut relocated to the brutal north extended over many more decades than I ever would have imagined, and their heartbreaking tale was one that evoked sympathy for their situation as well as deeper understanding and interest in their culture. It may not be very relevant to anything I'm working on anymore, but it was a great read related to a topic I'm still completely fascinated with.

I've run into some scheduling conflicts that I hope to have sorted out within the next few days. They burden my mind when I think of them, but for the most part I've been able to completely separate myself from business matters for the day. It's a feeling that has become more foreign to me than I had realized. I don't think that's healthy by any means, but part of me just wonders if it's a testament to the love I have for the people and projects I work with.

I feel as if I had more to say, but I think I've said enough. My general conclusion for the day is that I hope the summer continues in this same fashion, with enough space from work left for me to do some intellectual spelunking of my own.

Morning Meeting

This morning, I had the pleasure of meeting Vance Wallace, a designer who has worked on the Lara Croft series and knows the Rockstar creators of GTA. With a background in acting and directing before his five year foray into game development, he seemed quite animated, even though he'd just flown in from California, and 10 in the morning was admittedly not his style when it felt like 7 AM. While my advisor Amanda was attempting to get access to the presentation room and make sure everything was set up, we had the chance to talk - it was interesting to discuss how No More Heroes actually has intelligent battle mechanics that may appear hack-n-slash oriented to the untrained eye, and how Mario Kart has finally begun to lose appeal beyond its purpose as a party game.

Vance was here to apply for the level design teaching position for the fall. He had been asked to give a mock presentation, and it was Amanda's intention to see how he handles himself in front of a crowd. Unfortunately, there was no crowd. It was just me and Amanda. Oh well.

His presentation was both humorous and informative. His first slide had nothing but his name in green on it, and he then opened up by saying that "Limes make everything taste better" as he switched to a slide of limes. At first this seemed completely irrelevant to the rest of the conversation, but he eventually looped back around to it, citing the fact that he had displayed his name in green as an obscure form of foreshadowing to the fact that he was going to say something about limes. The ensuing discussion of how to actually create foreshadowing of game mechanics was quite fascinating, though necessarily brief. If he makes his way back here, this will be a guy I'd like to learn from.

I felt enlightened by more than just the words and content of his presentation. It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I haven't been flexing my design muscles. If things keep going the way they've been going, I'll be pretty weak coming out of the gate in a year. Design is a complicated beast with so many components to take into consideration. They're components that I love, but I have not devoted enough time to them. Excuse me while I retreat into the murky hollows of my mind and attempt to reemerge with something more spectacular to my own pessimistic eye.

Chugga Chugga

Well, work is definitely leaving me tired out. I'm not sure if it's because half of it consists of uninteresting tasks that anyone with opposable thumbs could manage, or because there's just so much of it. I've been falling asleep or coming close to it all over the place. No good!

I met my roommate yesterday when I got out of work. She seems nice enough, and not at all messy. This may be because she's brought next to nothing with her. She said that all she does is eat and sleep. Aside from chatting online and randomly browsing the Internet, she appears to be telling the truth. But I'm not around for most of the day, so it's hard to really say. She's actually sleeping as I type this, though...it's difficult to function in a relatively dim room in as close to silence as I can manage.

The thing that's been on my mind lately is the difficulty of game mechanics. In working with my info lit team, it has become abundantly clear to me that many game development students, and to my dismay a fair share of designers, do not understand how to inject both creativity and purpose into mechanics. I have run into a group that I never hoped to encounter. Not only do they not leap at the chance to brainstorm, they prefer to argue with the constraints that would leave the inventive designer enough room to be creative without so much free reign that the ideas run rampant. Just in listening to them, I've lost sight of my own concept that started the project. That is a scary thing indeed. The worst of it is that they've reduced the game to mediocre and over-used puzzle mechanics, like mazes with obstacles that can only be moved once and simple memory games. Booooring! I didn't realize just how spoiled I'd been with the great team members I've had over the course of the last school year. =)

On a similar note, I've been struggling to come up with some nifty new mechanics of my own. Amanda pointed me to a pretty neat resource for some rather ingenious and visually appealing (in some cases) games. These are apparently the kinds of games she hopes will come out of the senior team project classes next year. I feel a strong desire to hold onto the amazing ideas I've been generating with Wes, but at the same time I see where she's coming from - these games are pretty cool in their own right, they have low production costs, and they were able to get the attention of IGF. I've just discovered that my roommate snores...

After the busyness of this week, I'm quite glad that I have this weekend off. It will be one of few, which means I'll treasure it all the more.

Welcome to Work

I haven't really kicked up with all of my summer projects, but enough of them have been starting to get off the ground for me to feel busy. Today, my info lit team started working without me. I have to say, they're off to a surprisingly rough start. They're already getting caught up in one idea at a time without leaping around in the chaos that I've come to expect from the people I brainstorm with. It was terribly frustrating for me to be sitting at a desk across campus trying to make them understand what I meant by moving on from an idea and making conceptual popcorn. I was much more explicit with them than that, it was just a nice visual in my mind.

My three jobs at the library are taking up a few less hours than I thought they were going to, which is not as good for my wallet as it is for my mental health, but I'd say that's more than a fair trade. While I was watching the desk at the library today, I wound up corresponding with my team, attempting to start laying out plans for the project as a whole for the summer, brainstorming key points and phrases for the paper that Information Literacy Librarian Sarah Cohen and I will be writing this summer if our proposal is accepted, and talking to my academic advisor Amanda about the work I'll be doing for her within at least the next 5 weeks. I'll be meeting with her tomorrow night to go over the details, so I hope it turns out to be a good move on my part.

She and my boss Marie at the library started talking about me while I was sitting at the desk as well. It was a little strange to hear them discuss keeping me at the college for longer than the next year when I was right there listening, but it was also interesting to see that they had completely different ideas. Marie thinks that the only way I'll stick around is if they offer a graduate degree I can invest in, and that I'll take off after that. Amanda wasn't clear about how she wanted me to stick around, but she questioned whether or not I'd really want a graduate degree from Champlain in a separate but related field after Marie had left. I don't know what I want to do with my life at this time next year, and I said as much. I was surprised to hear her say that she thought it was absolutely wonderful that I'm just being me and doing what I do.

It's funny though, because I've been a bit torn over work lately. I love doing things that help other people. I also love doing things that other people working with me are excited about. I've gotten plenty of recognition for this work as well. But lately, it seems like I become a bit of an afterthought once the hours of operation are over. When people approach me, it's often to talk about projects or experiences; it's hardly ever to just ask how I'm doing or to invite me to participate in something. All of my friends in the dorm with the exception of one or two, and including my boyfriend, went for the first summer walk by the lake tonight. I don't think anyone considered walking a few feet down the hall and asking me to join.

Sometimes, being so close to other people just makes things even worse when they still don't acknowledge that you're there. But to end on a more positive note, it really makes me appreciate the people that do bother to check in with me, whether they're up a floor, or in the next town, or in a state over.

The Power of a Promise

I can't say that I've often made promises to myself in life: never had any New Year's resolutions, didn't even make many promises to other people. I think I've always been so focused on helping others that I didn't realize I wasn't holding myself to high enough standards. Even doing well in school, I felt like I would be letting down my peers if I didn't have the answers, on the odd chance they were confused about one thing or another. In high school, the days when I forgot to do the homework were grave shocks. Once in my Latin class, when the teacher realized that no one had done the homework, he gave up and let us do whatever we wanted. I'm still sorry for that one...I love you, Mr. O!

But anyway, I've started dedicating myself a little bit to my own personal health, and it feels great. 350 calories burned before breakfast today, and I still had enough energy to dance around while I organized a few last things. In my creative writing blog, I've started picking up a thread of content, and it makes me feel pretty confident in my ability to weave a story, even though I'm doing it in an untraditional fashion and haven't been at it for very long. This is in part because of other people, though. When I post something online for anyone to see, even if I realize that next to no one is actually reading it, I feel more obligated to do it on a regular basis. But if the things I did in life weren't at least a little bit motivated by other people, I'd be more selfish than I'd like.

Sadly, I don't think I'll often have time to myself. I started doing scheduling calculations while brushing my teeth this morning, and I even got into the financial details when I first sat down to my computer. The challenge ahead of me will be to find the little things that make me feel good about myself. I've seen a few, like a random comment someone made that shows confidence in my ideas, but I'd like to find a personal source as well: something I can depend on no matter where I am. One thing I've picked up on is that I have a strong affinity for little knick-knacks and other objects that are seemingly useless. If I can find a way of "imbuing" some little thing with ideas of myself and self-appreciation, I'd probably be on a happier road. That sounds crazy, I realize this now that I've written it. I'll end there, but don't be surprised if you see me carrying around a tiny felt monster or something else of a similar nature. ;P

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning?

Whether I always was or always will be, I turn into a morning person during the summer even more than I am one during the school year. I almost woke up at 6:30 today. 6:30. On a Sunday. I've treated myself to "sleeping in" until 8, and now I feel alert and positive towards the day, despite the fact that I'm in a basement with two tiny windows and it's cold and rainy outside. I can deal with the rain because it make everything spring-related look lush and green. And I'd rather be a little chilly than on the warm side - I'll be sweating with morning exercise in a few minutes anyway. So all in all, hurray, it's a good day.

Technically, this is my last of two days for the summer in which I have no known work or responsibilities. It's a bit sad, but I plan on enjoying it thoroughly...somehow. Yesterday, after all the moving was done (I discovered that I'm in a spacious triple in the basement with one other roommate until June!), I found myself doing a whole lot of nothing: playing music off my computer and twirling around the room (which I stopped doing after people kept walking up behind me and scaring the living daylights out of me), laying down on my bed and staring out the window, reading, playing a few simple tunes on my keyboard, etc. I did a bit of visiting as well, but everyone with the exception of a few seemed out of sorts from trying to get their belongings together and most prone to simply tell me they'd be using my room as a hang-out spot. The level to which I was not out of sorts is something else I associate with my morning person style. I woke up at 6:30 yesterday to finish my packing, started moving at 10 and was done by 12:30, and finished unpacking around 6 at night. I think most people had finally chucked their last possessions into their room around that time. Go me.

Building off of a reflection from yesterday, I've come to the realization that I don't often evaluate people based on who they are; I look at how they react to other people. It's an interesting dynamic to observe, particularly in vastly different individuals. It was especially notable on moving day. One person had hardly unpacked a thing and was already wandering around the dorm, stopping into rooms to hold conversation and assist casually in other people's moving efforts. Others were scrambling to set up their computers as top priority, and remained half unpacked while setting up games to play. I set up my computer first just to have music while I did everything else, and I made the occasional ventures out of my room to take breaks from the basement monotony.

Even outside of the realm of moving though, I've taken a lot of notice lately of how a few other people conduct themselves: some good and some bad overall. I have a strong desire to take this train of thought a step further and discover the purpose and motives behind these actions, but I am aware of a few of them and unwilling to horn into other people's lives for the rest.

Sentimental State

It occurs to me tonight that I don't know the actual definition of "sentimental." It is apparently anything expressive or that appeals to tender emotions and feelings. Having been moved by something seemingly small, I've been left to dwell tonight on the purpose of sentimentality; why do humans carry their past so heavily and closely to their hearts? In addition, why is there such an array of other emotions that can volley forth from a sentimental feeling? Happiness, confusion, anger, to name a few. It is a puzzling circumstance, but one that I suppose is worth the more well-defined and brilliant aspects of humanity.

Another thing that has come to my attention as a terrible action in most situations is the act taken to "prove a point." In essence, doing anything to prove a point makes someone else feel punished for exhibiting a different behavioral scheme, whether it be in how often they clean their room to how they cope with challenges in life. How often is it really right for someone else to decide that they have the right answer and must show someone else that they are wrong? Not as often as I think we often assume.

I'm full of questions tonight that lack answers.

Iron Night

Well, I'm not often a sucker for super hero movies, but I must say: Iron Man was pretty bad ass! It was quite the blend of humor and action, pulled off in a tongue-in-cheek fashion I should have expected given the movie's leading man (Robert Downey, Jr). Gwyneth Paltrow was an unexpected but brilliant addition to the cast, as was Jeff Bridges. To top it all...it had robots! Robots with personality! Gah...adorable. =)

While this will undoubtedly be the peak of my evening, I must exude some iron will of my own and push through to the morning with packing. It never really occurs to me how much stuff I have until I start to pile it up in categories and observe for a few minutes. On the bright side, my belongings have at least been easy to sort and organize. Finding enough containers for all of it will be the real challenge.

Though training did wrap up today, I feel like it was mostly a day without many insights. I have definitely come to enjoy the way in which I put myself out there for other people to see and interact with. I've always been the type to go with the flow, but few people seem to catch me in their wake. Perhaps someday soon. Good night to the rest of the world, good morning to me...

Spring Cleaning

It's strange to be in college and have spring cleaning consist of completely emptying and switching rooms; this is an especially bizarre process for me because I tend to go bare-bones with my decorating habits in the summer. The posters that have plastered my cozy corner of the room seem to repel my fingertips, reluctant to be stowed away for four months. I sit on my bed and debate whether or not to pack away the gang of plushie penguins, and I haven't even started to think about the knick knacks that have accumulated on my desk over the course of the year.

I've always thought that it would be curious to try to chart a year in paper: whatever records collect in desk drawers and folders from fall to spring finals. Or perhaps in random snapshots of your habitat and other campus surroundings. I really need to get a camera again; I adore pictures taken candidly. I can't imagine I'd ever have the time to compile them in an interesting manner, but I like to dream.

These are scattered thoughts, but it seems to be one of those evenings. I can't really bring myself to do anything productive, and I'm partially mesmerized by the solar-powered constant-bobble panda across the room from me; he seems to have too much energy for his bobbly head, which is on its way to head-banging. Strange. Tragically cute. This is what happens when the stream of consciousness starts to run dry, folks. I'm not even going to try any creative writing tonight. It's time for sleep.

Oh, and happy May everybody!